In his award-winning book, The Making of Memory, a copy of which sits on my desk right now, Steven Rose writes, “We know who we are and who other people are in terms of memory. Lose your memory and you as you cease to exist.”
If Rose is right, and I suspect he is, I’ve been dead for over four months now. I say dead because as I begin to write this, we are in the middle of May 2011. I don’t remember a thing of what’s gone on around me over the last… four months. I don’t remember people I’ve met, things I’ve done or places I’ve been to.
It was awfully tough to walk into office last week and not know the names of at least half the people I’ve worked with to launch this publication. Pictures from the launch event that feature me seem surreal; I don’t remember the party. I thought I’d died and didn’t remember the funeral.
Then maybe, I told myself, this is what they call an out-of-body experience. Or maybe it’s just a nightmare that hasn’t ended yet. But my name appears on the imprint line as editor, and there’s a signed note from me in the launch issue, so I guess I’ve played a part in putting this title together. (I must confess I like most of what I see. Do you like it? The nude angel on the cover: Painfully beautiful, isn’t she?)
Truth is, each time my phone rings, more often than not, I can’t put a face to the name flashing on my screen; when I can, I’ve forgotten what my relationship with the person is and I don’t know what I am supposed to talk about. I’m better off not taking the call.
Truth is, my world has shrunk hopelessly. The newspapers I used to devour so voraciously every morning seem intimidating because context has been stripped from everything I read. I feel helpless standing by the side of the road because I’ve forgotten how to cross it on the face of oncoming traffic. My neighbourhood, where I’m reasonably sure I’ve lived for 21 years now, looks alien. This city, that I love so much and where I’ve lived all my life, seems like a foreign country.
Truth is, I, Charles Assisi, adult, journalist, editor, father, perfectionist, can’t get around without help. I guess this is what it must feel like to be dead.
A few weeks ago…or was it a few hours ago — my sense of time is all distorted — I took a long walk in a park with my dad’s older brother. For as long as I remember, I’ve worshipped him for his intellectual bandwidth. And I’ve loved him because he possesses that rarest of human virtues, compassion, in abundance. We cracked some awfully stupid jokes only the both of us could laugh at. And when it was evening, he insisted on going back to Cochin, because he doesn’t like to stay away from home for too long.
(This story appears in the 23 September, 2011 issue of Forbes India. To visit our Archives, click here.)
You are an incredible human being Mr Assisi. It takes a lot to write about what you went through! Did you ever ask the question why me when you first encountered it?
on Sep 27, 2011Dear Charles, I can understand this phase is tough. But you have friends who are there by your side. Sometimes help, as you mentioned, has to be taken. It is quite difficult to be the one seeking help, believe you me, I know. But in the end, you do learn a lot about yourself and also who your true friends are. You are lucky to have lots of true friends, those in Forbes and those outside. Hang in there, don't lose heart, no matter how tough things may seem. Take care. Lubna
on Sep 25, 2011"I've lived a full life, I've read widely and well, absorbing, learning every day. I've made a living thinking on my feet, pulling things out of my memory and synthesising them on the fly." It is this razor-sharp mind that makes Mr. Assisi's plight even more poignant. Am sure glad to know that he is better now. Here's wishing him a total recovery.
on Sep 22, 2011Big favor to us you back. thx
on Sep 21, 2011Well u say u have lost ur memory..but its amazing u can write.. BTW the ailment u mention whats the prognosis??
on Sep 20, 2011